Monday, May 17, 2010
I am writing this in a day I intend to have an emotional funeral of a relationship that failed to make it after surviving the ills and mores of distance, morals, age, individuality, career path, family, home investment, number of kids, financial crisis, narcistic vanities, sinigang with petchay, nuptial date, type of music, shirt style & color, perfume scent, church service schedule, men’s shoes, coffee or tea, bags, internet, fish deboning, mayonnaise brand, laptop hours, dance step, hard pat, family errands, forgetting month-sarry, jog route, fondling preferences, hand bag clutters, snores, online flirting, job hunt, grammar & twang, flight schedule, fear & jealousy with ex(es) and including pet (non) selection and tons of other apparent differences this piece of after-thought and primal instinct finally came to form.
After a serious debacle on modern tool as respondent archive on mobile phones(aka sent items) in the midst of a very eventful Christmas vacation, I’ve been contemplating the usual things–love, loss, and surrender. Confrontations have to defer out the for good reason to accommodate the sweet things only happens on schedule meeting twice a year. But, every day brings an opportunity to surrender outcomes, because we are not in control of how life unfolding to us. Out of chaos comes form, which strengthens and grows, only to break down and become chaos again, an unending chain of action/reaction. We create routines, and abandon them for new ones. We observe traditions(romance and cultural), which change when we change. We cannot avoid our own evolution or maturity to accept things. It is happening right now. Everything we try to hold onto transforms into something else. It is an act of power to let go consciously, acknowledging that you are not in control of how or when conditions change or something you are attached to gets taken away. Paul Young (my old melancholic musician icon) sings,“Every time you go away, you got a piece of me.” Perhaps death or walking away is merely the rearranging of molecules that reappear in different forms.
I wrote something like this way back in my pen & paper journal(when emails was expensive or blog was never heard) almost a decade and a half ago, as one relationship was ending and another beginning. While both were doomed to end, they were not unsuccessful. I’ve heard it said that relationships are the best medium for personal growth; they are like classrooms where all our insecurities and fears are immediately made known to us. Relationships with family, friends, and especially significant others shine a brilliant white light on blind spots that have been hidden in the darkest places. Horrifying, perhaps, but exciting too! If I had my relationships to do over again, I would make the same choices if only to learn about myself in the midst of that glaring beam of light. We are all mirrors for each other to gaze into with awe. I am in grief in the decision and tormented on my own because
perhaps we don’t have partnerships that last a lifetime figuratively, but when we reach the end of our lives and shelf life of what is deem temporary, whether it’s tomorrow or years from now, we were able to say that when given the opportunity to love and be loved, and we took it.
I have been googling another song lyrics in the campaign this month – Faithfully by JOURNEY. The lyrics of this song are how I feel right now:
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you
And being apart
Ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Honey, I’ve been struck lately by how often I am tempted to hold back from life, what it is to find one, from sharing love and being close to whom we love, all because of the fear that We might suffer some unforeseen consequence and be hurt later. Can anyone relate? Past memories of rejection have shaped the fears that make it easy to hide from a lover’s gaze, and old hurts define how I relate to the world.
TheJourney lyrics( i quoted Jeremy Camp before) above talks about immersing into the struggle of holding on believing into the magic that was , which has inside of it every little hope, sorrow, , fear, anger, pain, longing and believing of the after the release is something out there for two person entwined their lives. If we attempt to push away the uncomfortable feelings to protect ourselves from pain, we lose the ability to fully experience the joy and peace that also resides in the ocean of life- where holding on is part of it. When we push feelings away, it is easy to become numb and disconnected from the life and people around us. A sweet friend and mentor recently said to me,“Everything is You, and you don’t need protection from yourself.”
If we are willing to sit with a broken heart, or any “negative” emotion, and just let it have us, something miraculous happens. When we give ourselves permission to feel pain, shed tears, or simply be afraid, perhaps because someone dies or leaves us alone, the grief moving through us becomes a healing force. How often were we told as children not to cry? All that unexpressed sorrow and pain solidified around our hearts, and instead of our wounds healing, they grew deeper. And the more we were hurting, the more we tried to push away things that could potentially hurt us — other people, intimacy, our true desires and feelings.
The sorrows of life’s accumulated disappointments are always trying to come out from where they’ve been stored in order to free us from the pain of the past, so that we can be present here and now. So we can be free to love and be loved! Imagine what life would be like if we could enter our relationships without fear of the pain that comes with loss. Imagine if we never held back, if we said, “Yes!” when love knocks at the door.
What if you knew that a beautiful relationship was only going to last for a few years, or a few months? Would you engage in it fully anyway, keeping your heart open?
Let’s walk into the journey of life together which we did, and not hold ourselves back from the love that is always awaiting us there. Love in the midst of pain, love inside grief, love underneath anger, love that fuels joy.
The End or lost, walks behind us now, not caring whether we open our hearts to let life in. It will come for us someday in many forms, perhaps soon, perhaps years from now but not today, and when we are ready or not, it will not wait for us to say what matters most, with Prayers that a thing will come as new genesis will sprout and arise from the ashes.Remembering the good days and everything between us that we find joy, peace, contentment, hopeful, pleasure, completeness, empathy,kindness, acceptance, strength and forgiveness.
Let’s say it now with all the passion our hearts can rally:
LOVE must Prevail!
Let us be thankful for what we've done.
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